Shadow Work

I’d like to share some of my experience with self actualization and beginning to explore my shadow side to those who can relate. If any of this mirrors your own life, or if you’re feeling “stuck” and things are not going your way, maybe you would like to explore your own shadow side as well.

I have found myself in a place where I have been forced into introspection. Perhaps “forced” isn’t the proper term, because I do not believe this is something negative. Rather, the situations and circumstances within my external world had become so chaotic and displeasing that I had nowhere else to turn. Except within.

The shadows and demons repressed in the dark crevices of my mind could no longer be ignored. They had oozed into my conscious awareness, manifesting before my eyes everyday: I had become stuck, lonely, deeply depressed, unproductive, angry and anxious.
Not only was I in a constant state of inner turmoil, but I had lost my job, isolated myself from family and friends, neglected my health, was unable to express my creativity (let alone tap into it), surrounded myself with toxic people, doubted myself and most importantly, lost my vigor for life.

For months I lived a life that was not in tune with who I am or what I truly desire. I began to play the victim and blamed everyone/thing around me for my misery. My judgment was so skewed that no one could convince me that there was something wrong with me. I neglected my true nature as a Creator and became a compliant servant to the people and things around me.

Determined to be happy, I deemed my instincts to be negative self-talk and tried harder to please everyone around me. The voice within me was SCREAMING “get away, this isn’t for you, that person can’t be trusted, LOVE yourself, you are being used, the answers are within you“, but accepting this meant that I was a failure. Accepting this meant that I was NOT the ideal of what I perceived myself to be. Instead, I tuned out. I became numb.

I stayed numb for quite some time and allowed my life and emotions to be controlled by whatever outside forces I had gravitated towards.  And let me tell you, if you attract negativity your life will become just that. No one knew me anymore, I did not even know myself. My shadow side could no longer be ignored, because it had consumed me. I had become to epitome of everything I have ever feared and despised. Once I became broken, I had no other choice but to face it. If I ever wanted my light and happiness back, I would have to succumb.

“Shadow wants to be heard, simply that. But if it isn’t, it turns nasty.
It becomes a veritable demon, witch, or son-of-a-bitch, demanding its pound of flesh…. in very painful real time, not dreamtime. 
 
Pay attention to your shadow.  If you keep distancing yourself, saying “Heavens, it’s not my fault!”—then heaven help you. Hell won’t.”

–Katya Walter
 
Why is it that the hardest place to find the answers is the most accessible? Although I can not answer for you, I realize it is because I did not like what was inside. I did not want to relive the painful memories, traumas, hurt, shame and despair I had repressed deep down in my unconscious. Whether we want to admit it or not, our past is part of us. We either accept it, or deny it’s existence. But that’s the thing about the past, it can never be changed.  And who wants to live amongst the shadows when the sunshine is so appealing? The great Carl Jung said “the shadow is the person that we’d rather not be”, but it is still part of us and can only be transmuted once we face it.

I like to think of it as turning on a light in a dark, scary room…

We know the room exists, but it’s so dark and creepy that we avoid the room at all costs, denying it even exists.One day we may have to go in there, and fear what is on the other side of the door, but we will never really know until we muster up the courage to turn the doorknob. Opening the door is the scariest part, but once we turn on the light we see it for what it is…. just an empty room! And maybe if we clean it up and sweep away the dirt and cobwebs that have accumulated, we can use it for something great. Like a personal gym, yoga sanctuary, art studio or even better… a walk-in closet!! 😛